I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
