dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize