You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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