You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
