Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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