He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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