im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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