someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
