I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
