So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
