i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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