Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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