all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize