I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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