Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
