felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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