I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
