there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
