I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
