Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
