k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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