I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
