The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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