Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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