Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
