I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
