I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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