I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
