At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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