this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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