Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
