I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
