Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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