I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
