Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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