just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My vagina just clenched in fear
dude. I can hear the air.
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