mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize