There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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