i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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