Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
