I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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