I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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