So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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