dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
