i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
