just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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