Jerry, you need to find god
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
