woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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