Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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