im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I checked into jail on foursquare
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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