If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
