I think my fart just growled at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
