i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
