dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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