Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize