either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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