dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
