I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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