the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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