life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
