Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
