I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
