I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
