Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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