Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
